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There's no way I could ever hope to do Lords of Thunder justice using words alone. You can't just say "Lords of Thunder is the best horizontal scrolling shoot-em-up on the Virtual Console to date," and expect to be able to sleep at night. To fully explain why skipping Lords of Thunder should be punishable by death, you need more than a keyboard and a fancypants college degree. You need some spiked body armor, and some face paint, and an electric guitar, which should also be covered in body armor and face paint. Then you need to shred on that thing and scream until blood starts pouring out of your mouth. Only then will you even come close to describing the sleek metal essence of Lords of Thunder.

Or, you know, you could send out a promotional VHS tape.

This video tells you more about Lords of Thunder than I ever could, and includes valuable testimonials from gamers just like yourself.

Like this guy.

"Oh, it was a great game. Yeah, I think I would buy it. I already have Sega but I would trade it in for this."

Dynamite opening statement. What more do you need to know? You need to play this game. Even if you already have Sega. And Nintendo? Forget them! Why are you even still pretending to enjoy Nintendo games when you could sell your Wii right now and already be halfway to covering the cost of a used TurboDuo?

"Lords of Thunder? By far the best shooter anywhere right now. You know, arcade or otherwise. Blows away anything, and if you ever wanted to buy a TurboDuo, you have to get at least this game."

If you ever wanted to buy a TurboDuo? There's no question! Who WOULDN'T want a TurboDuo?

"HUNH?"

See, even crazy sea captain grandpa wants a TurboDuo!

"cool game"

Also, The Joker.

"You need practice...all right? Practice, practice, pract-practice."

Exactly! Wait, what?

"I THINK IT'S A GREAT GAME! I HAVE NEVER SEEN SUCH SHOOTING GAME BEFORE! GREAT GRAPHICS! I LOVE IT! LORDS OF THUNDERRRR!!"

OKAY THANK YOU FOR YOUR

oh j-jesus let's get out of here

"It's my favorite game. In fact, ever since my baby's been born, that's all I do."

Should...should we call the police?

"I LIKE TO PLAY DE GAME"

Lords of Thunder. The shooter of choice for Sega owners, crazy grandpas, bad drivers, unfit mothers, The Joker, and people who make fun of the foreign and the mentally disabled. Available now on the Virtual Console. Buy it today.

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